Much failure in my posts lately. I have to admit, I feel like a bit of a Christmas failure this year. Not only is my house not decorated for Christmas, it's not even clean. What is it that everybody else gets that I don't? Did I miss the decorate-y gene? The good housewife gene? I visit my friend's houses and everything is all organized, no clutter, no random cat toys strewn across the floor, all of their wedding pictures are catelogued in a picturesque album and framed and hanging nicely on the wall. I'm creative. I'm resourceful. So why is it my house never manages to look better than "tidy". Why does my laundry pile up like crazy in our bedroom? What do other people do-- hide their laundry? Never dirty a dish? I have a definite case of the not-good-enoughs today. My blog isn't good enough. My knitting isn't good enough. Something lacking in my sense of style. My cooking. My singing.
SNAP OUT OF IT STEPHANIE!
*smacks herself*
Ok, that's better.
December 18, 2009
December 12, 2009
UBER FAILURE!!! and an Interesting Twist
Pehaps my last blog was a little too prophtic. Perhaps I should not have included Christmas Present in a failure blog. After working many hours on said Present, I felt I was near the finish line. I pulled out the whole thing in my exhuberance to show my husband and in that shocking moment, I saw it.
A Fatal Flaw.
The kind of flaw that can not be remidied by ripping back or clever finishing.
No.
This kind of flaw requires complete Starting Over.
At this discovery, I was depressed.
My husband bought me a pizza.
I am now rethinking the entire Present and hopefully the re-vamped version will be ready by Christmas. This will probably require me to knit every waking moment until Christmas, but hey. I'm a knitter. I like to knit. IT CAN BE DONE!
And anyway, this is how I function. Deadlines. Pressure. Good for Stephanie.
As for the twist...
My parents were divorced when I was a baby. My dad is not the sort of person with whom it is healthy or even really feasible to have a relationship. As a result, I really don't know anyone or anything about his side of the family.
Until yesterday.
Yesterday, I recieved a Friend Request and a Facebook message from a woman who turns out to be my Aunt. It turns out I am the only girl child from all of my dad's siblings, therefore, her only niece. She had been looking for me and for my brother for a while, but since my maiden name is so common, she had not had much luck. In the end, however, it was my middle name provided the clue.
My middle name is Omeda. I have never met anyone in my life with that name, middle or otherwise. I used my middle initial on my Target registry, which apparently appeared when my name was Googled. From then, it was a quick Facebook search and TaDa! A Connection!
We exchanged a few messages and then talked last night on the phone. It was a great expirience, although the thought of having a whole 'nother family is a bit overwhelming. She might visit before the end of the month (on an already-planned California vacation).
So. There you go. If you attempt to contact me before Christmas, I can't talk to you. I will be knitting.
A Fatal Flaw.
The kind of flaw that can not be remidied by ripping back or clever finishing.
No.
This kind of flaw requires complete Starting Over.
At this discovery, I was depressed.
My husband bought me a pizza.
I am now rethinking the entire Present and hopefully the re-vamped version will be ready by Christmas. This will probably require me to knit every waking moment until Christmas, but hey. I'm a knitter. I like to knit. IT CAN BE DONE!
And anyway, this is how I function. Deadlines. Pressure. Good for Stephanie.
As for the twist...
My parents were divorced when I was a baby. My dad is not the sort of person with whom it is healthy or even really feasible to have a relationship. As a result, I really don't know anyone or anything about his side of the family.
Until yesterday.
Yesterday, I recieved a Friend Request and a Facebook message from a woman who turns out to be my Aunt. It turns out I am the only girl child from all of my dad's siblings, therefore, her only niece. She had been looking for me and for my brother for a while, but since my maiden name is so common, she had not had much luck. In the end, however, it was my middle name provided the clue.
My middle name is Omeda. I have never met anyone in my life with that name, middle or otherwise. I used my middle initial on my Target registry, which apparently appeared when my name was Googled. From then, it was a quick Facebook search and TaDa! A Connection!
We exchanged a few messages and then talked last night on the phone. It was a great expirience, although the thought of having a whole 'nother family is a bit overwhelming. She might visit before the end of the month (on an already-planned California vacation).
So. There you go. If you attempt to contact me before Christmas, I can't talk to you. I will be knitting.
December 9, 2009
FAILURE
So, the NaNoWriMo thing was a failure. This year at least. I think it was because my novel was boring and I hated my characters. I kept trying to make them do interesting things, but then they just became whiney and I hated them more. So maybe next year, I'll write a fantasy novel. I can see that being more feasable for me. That way, if things get boring, I can just send a hostile race of aliens to attack the planet, causing interesting story lines for all!
Anyway.
I am so close to finishing the Christmas Present. I really wish I could blog ablout it because it would make such good blog knitting, but unfortunately, the recipient reads this blog (in fact, I think she's the only one..) and so therefore, no details can be disclosed until Present is actually finished and delivered.
In the meantime, I knit a lace hat, of which there can be no pictures because I have no camera. I mean, I have my Blackberry camera, but it does not take very good pictures. I'm a little ashamed of them. I have been looking at digital cameras (to get for my husband, of course) but they are a tad bit expensive. I seem to remember them being cheaper, but then again, the last camera I owned was 4 mexapixels. The ones in the store have like 10.
Anyway, perhaps by next post, Present will done, Camera will attained, and Novel Failure will be forgotten. A girl can dream...
Anyway.
I am so close to finishing the Christmas Present. I really wish I could blog ablout it because it would make such good blog knitting, but unfortunately, the recipient reads this blog (in fact, I think she's the only one..) and so therefore, no details can be disclosed until Present is actually finished and delivered.
In the meantime, I knit a lace hat, of which there can be no pictures because I have no camera. I mean, I have my Blackberry camera, but it does not take very good pictures. I'm a little ashamed of them. I have been looking at digital cameras (to get for my husband, of course) but they are a tad bit expensive. I seem to remember them being cheaper, but then again, the last camera I owned was 4 mexapixels. The ones in the store have like 10.
Anyway, perhaps by next post, Present will done, Camera will attained, and Novel Failure will be forgotten. A girl can dream...
November 5, 2009
NaNoWriMo, how you slay me!
So, I'm doing it. I'm writing a novel in a month. Or, at least, that's what I'm telling people. But I have this problem, you see.
I have a broken Committer Box.
This condition is very rare in women. Most women have Over-Active Commitment Syndrome, which leads them to say yes to everything because they don't want to disappoint people.
Broken Committer Syndrome, on the other hand, leads to lots of hemming and hawing, lots of "maybes" and "I'll-try-to-make-it's," and is signaled by the famous non-committal "we should hang out some time." Oddly enough, most non-committers will say no (or maybe) to everything because they don't want to disappoint people.
In my particular case, I have tried to battle this disease by consciously committing--verbally at least. "Yes," I say through gritted teeth, giving my Committer Box the evil eye, "I WILL be there, I WILL write a novel in a month..." My Committer Box stares at me like a belligerent teenager. "Whatever, dude," it says ever so non-committedly, "I'm watching Castle."
Not that I am completely incapable of committing. It's just that my Committer Box only has two settings-- off and 100%. By way of example, I broke up with a husband about once a month intermittently for the first six months we knew each other. Then I decided one day that I loved him and did want to be with him. Two months later we were engaged. I can go from 0-married in .5 seconds. That's just the way it works. I have a similar history with papers. I am notorious for changing my topic fifteen times, hemming and hawing, writing bad outlines, skipping project requirements and then bam- day before it's due, I lock myself in the library and produce a masterpiece.
It's weird. It's like something in me just doesn't turn on until crunch time, like a lazy actor sleeping off stage until the stage manager tells him, "you're on!" Then he springs to theatrical brilliance, surprising everyone, especially himself.
So. Here we are, day 5 of NaNoWriMo and I am 2463 behind. Of course, if I work this blog into my novel, I’ll only be 2057 words behind. Hey, it could work. I could start a trend. Meta-noveling.
If you’ll excuse me for now, I’m off to find other fun and interesting ways to procrastinate. And please contact me if you have the number of a good Committer Box repair man.
October 5, 2009
Confessions of an emotional driver
1. I hate it when pedestrians are walking behind me as I am backing, look directly at me, and continue to walk behind me. It is almost as if they are saying, "I am the pedestrian. You must bow to me. Your need to back up is not as important as my need to enter Wal-Mart." It kind of makes me want to run them over on purpose.
2. I also hate it when cars rush by as I am backing. A similar feeling of superiority seems to pervade. Does no one respect the fact that I am backing here? I am in a vulnerable position! I am literally sticking my ass into a potentially scary and dangerous world known as the parking lot. Does no feel the need to protect my nakedness in this situation, to allow me to resume a more dignified position of accelerating forward like all the other idiots on the road? No! I feel completely unvalidated in this situation.
3. I am hurt when people pass me on the freeway. Not just cars passing me in the normal flow of traffic, I'm talking, stuck behind a big-rig and cars are pulling out violently from in front of me obviously annoyed and impatient, speeding for a few hundred feet beside me, just long enough to give me the , "what's wrong with you" shake of the head and take their rightful place in front of me and the offending big-rig. I long to justify myself in those situations. "It's not my fault!" I long to scream, "It's this truck in front of me, see? I'm really a cool person, just like you! I'm good at driving!"
4. It makes me feel important when people stop and wait for me to back out of a parking space. Perhaps this is closely related to #s 1 and 2, giving my complex psychological relationship with backing. But I really do like it when people stop and wait, acknowledging that I have something desirable, special, something they want. I know they are only using me for my parking space, but I don't care. I take my validation where I can get it. And if a line forms, so much the better.
5. It reassures me to know that I have a new trendy car, especially when driving in areas like south Orange County or Hollywood, where everyone has a nice new car. It makes me feel like I belong, like I have a right to be there. I don't have to be embarrassed by an old clunker, no, I am cool, I am hip and up-to-date. Never mind that I am behind on payments for said new trendy car and am skipping meals to pay for it. At least I have one.
2. I also hate it when cars rush by as I am backing. A similar feeling of superiority seems to pervade. Does no one respect the fact that I am backing here? I am in a vulnerable position! I am literally sticking my ass into a potentially scary and dangerous world known as the parking lot. Does no feel the need to protect my nakedness in this situation, to allow me to resume a more dignified position of accelerating forward like all the other idiots on the road? No! I feel completely unvalidated in this situation.
3. I am hurt when people pass me on the freeway. Not just cars passing me in the normal flow of traffic, I'm talking, stuck behind a big-rig and cars are pulling out violently from in front of me obviously annoyed and impatient, speeding for a few hundred feet beside me, just long enough to give me the , "what's wrong with you" shake of the head and take their rightful place in front of me and the offending big-rig. I long to justify myself in those situations. "It's not my fault!" I long to scream, "It's this truck in front of me, see? I'm really a cool person, just like you! I'm good at driving!"
4. It makes me feel important when people stop and wait for me to back out of a parking space. Perhaps this is closely related to #s 1 and 2, giving my complex psychological relationship with backing. But I really do like it when people stop and wait, acknowledging that I have something desirable, special, something they want. I know they are only using me for my parking space, but I don't care. I take my validation where I can get it. And if a line forms, so much the better.
5. It reassures me to know that I have a new trendy car, especially when driving in areas like south Orange County or Hollywood, where everyone has a nice new car. It makes me feel like I belong, like I have a right to be there. I don't have to be embarrassed by an old clunker, no, I am cool, I am hip and up-to-date. Never mind that I am behind on payments for said new trendy car and am skipping meals to pay for it. At least I have one.
September 11, 2009
Finally Friday
I must say, this has been quite the challenging week. Why is it that whenever I tell people we're poor, they say, "well that's ok, you guys are young, you just got married, it's supposed to be that way." That may be, but the managers of our appartment building expect a rent check, not a note that says, "We're young and supposed to be poor." I understand now why they say that money is one of the number one things married people fight about. We don't fight about money, exactly, but more because of money. It just builds up so much tension that we fight about other stupid things before we both admit that we are just cranky about money. It's strange, though, the Lord is still kind to me, and I think somehow we're going to make it. Tight, but we'll make it. I can't wait until September is over.
As for knitting projects, I have finished my husband scarf. I was very pleased with the way the double-knitting section turned out. K1P1 rib transitions very nicely into double knitting without much apparent disruption of the fabric. I will remember this for the future.
At this time, I am half-heartedly working on a log cabin blanket, mostly to keep my hands busy while I look for other, more interesting projects.
As for knitting projects, I have finished my husband scarf. I was very pleased with the way the double-knitting section turned out. K1P1 rib transitions very nicely into double knitting without much apparent disruption of the fabric. I will remember this for the future.
At this time, I am half-heartedly working on a log cabin blanket, mostly to keep my hands busy while I look for other, more interesting projects.
September 4, 2009
a shadow of things to come...
I must confess that I am considering crossing over to the dark side. After being a loyal Cougar for five years (loyal being a relative term, since I only went to one game, and then only because I was dating someone in the marching band), I am courting APU's arch-enemy with intent to switch sides. That's right, next fall, I may attend...
Biola.
*insert shocked gasp here*
Honestly, my reasons for applying to Biola are rather straight-forward. They are one of the few colleges, let alone Christian colleges, that offer a Masters in Applied Linguistics, with a TESOL emphasis, which is what I am interested in pursuing. Second, they offer several scholarships, including a financial need grant which could cover most to all of the costs to attend. Thirdly, they offer married housing. And lastly, any reservations I once had about attending Biola due to their strict behavioral guidelines are all moot points, considering that I'm now married, don't drink, and have put the days of illicit drugs behind me.
I do have other concerns about attending grad school in general, however. Part of me feels like it is selfish. Before, when I was single, I was free to pretty much do whatever I wanted without really worrying about how it would affect others (within reason, obviously). Now, however, there is someone else attached to me. I want to make sure that I always consider his best interests as well. For his part, he has made it very clear to me that he is completely supportive of my decisions and doesn't mind following me to China, if need be. But his supportiveness makes me want to be even more careful with my decisions.
Another, darker, more scared part of me feels like grad school would be wasted on me. I kind of feel that way about my undergrad degree, like I'm not doing anything great and important with it. The up side about this degree is that I might actually be able to get a job with it, which would be wonderful. So maybe that fear is more of a personal insecurity that I just need to ignore.
I would love to attend school again, to really be challenged and have an opportunity to work hard and be proud of myself. I feel like that would be good.
On a more knitterly note, I am still working away on my husband's scarf.
It's just a simple 1x1 rib in alternating colors of SWS. I started to get bored, so I have added a double knitting section in which I am planning on adding his initials. The rib transitions really well to the double knitting, since they are essentially the same action with a slightly different technique.
Every time I make a scarf, I swear it's the last one, and then someone requests one and start to think how it might be fun to just do one more and before you know it, here I am again, knitting the stupid thing. I would like to say that this is my last, but we all know that probably not the case.
Also, coming soon I plan to do a wedding recap, with the best pics, some memories of the day, and vendor information (because we got some really awesome deals!)
See you soon!
Biola.
*insert shocked gasp here*
Honestly, my reasons for applying to Biola are rather straight-forward. They are one of the few colleges, let alone Christian colleges, that offer a Masters in Applied Linguistics, with a TESOL emphasis, which is what I am interested in pursuing. Second, they offer several scholarships, including a financial need grant which could cover most to all of the costs to attend. Thirdly, they offer married housing. And lastly, any reservations I once had about attending Biola due to their strict behavioral guidelines are all moot points, considering that I'm now married, don't drink, and have put the days of illicit drugs behind me.
I do have other concerns about attending grad school in general, however. Part of me feels like it is selfish. Before, when I was single, I was free to pretty much do whatever I wanted without really worrying about how it would affect others (within reason, obviously). Now, however, there is someone else attached to me. I want to make sure that I always consider his best interests as well. For his part, he has made it very clear to me that he is completely supportive of my decisions and doesn't mind following me to China, if need be. But his supportiveness makes me want to be even more careful with my decisions.
Another, darker, more scared part of me feels like grad school would be wasted on me. I kind of feel that way about my undergrad degree, like I'm not doing anything great and important with it. The up side about this degree is that I might actually be able to get a job with it, which would be wonderful. So maybe that fear is more of a personal insecurity that I just need to ignore.
I would love to attend school again, to really be challenged and have an opportunity to work hard and be proud of myself. I feel like that would be good.
On a more knitterly note, I am still working away on my husband's scarf.
It's just a simple 1x1 rib in alternating colors of SWS. I started to get bored, so I have added a double knitting section in which I am planning on adding his initials. The rib transitions really well to the double knitting, since they are essentially the same action with a slightly different technique.
Every time I make a scarf, I swear it's the last one, and then someone requests one and start to think how it might be fun to just do one more and before you know it, here I am again, knitting the stupid thing. I would like to say that this is my last, but we all know that probably not the case.
Also, coming soon I plan to do a wedding recap, with the best pics, some memories of the day, and vendor information (because we got some really awesome deals!)
See you soon!
April 10, 2009
Blogging again...
So, I really need more friends. I mean, I have friends, but all of my close ones live out of state. So I sit in Starbucks, wanting to steal other people's friends.
There are two girls sitting in front of my talking about a wedding. "I'm getting married, too!" I want to exclaim and pull up my chair to their table.
Behind me is a college guy, who I think is trying to be smooth with a cute Asian girl. "Do you know who Dr. Phil is?" he asks. "I know! I know who Dr. Phil is," I long to interject and volunteer every random fact I know about America's favorite pop psychologist.
But of course I don't.
Sigh.
Certainly not the most exciting thing that has happened recently, but something exciting, none-the-less, is that I have started crocheting! Yay!
This is my first attempt:
It actually turned out pretty well. I was pleased, especially since I've tried to crochet on and off over the years and it just never really caught on. For some reason, though, this time it just stuck.
Well, folks... that's all for now...
There are two girls sitting in front of my talking about a wedding. "I'm getting married, too!" I want to exclaim and pull up my chair to their table.
Behind me is a college guy, who I think is trying to be smooth with a cute Asian girl. "Do you know who Dr. Phil is?" he asks. "I know! I know who Dr. Phil is," I long to interject and volunteer every random fact I know about America's favorite pop psychologist.
But of course I don't.
Sigh.
Certainly not the most exciting thing that has happened recently, but something exciting, none-the-less, is that I have started crocheting! Yay!
This is my first attempt:
It actually turned out pretty well. I was pleased, especially since I've tried to crochet on and off over the years and it just never really caught on. For some reason, though, this time it just stuck.Well, folks... that's all for now...
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